last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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