I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
