My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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