If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
