We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
