We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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