Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
