I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
