I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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