Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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