update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
my liver is dry heaving
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
