so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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