No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
