The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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