my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
