then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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