Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
