I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You just made me feel so damn special
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
