I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
