Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
