Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
