that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
