He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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