i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
