did you get engaged???
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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