im six kinds of drunk right now
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
