Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
