I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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