It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
