hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
