I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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