I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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