R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
