I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
