Someone shit on the floor
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
