Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
