He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
