He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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