I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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