i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
