i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
