I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
