matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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