Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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