So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
