That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
