one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
