So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
