I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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