Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
